Archive for April, 2010


I am currently sitting beside someone who is furiously attempting to figure out how to get to my blog. I don’t want her to because I am unsure that I want anyone I really care about reading what I have put forth thus far. I feel that the blog hasn’t come to anything even close to fruition, and I fear that she will be terribly disappointed should she see it at this point.
I have told her all this, yet she continues to try.
I am always baffled by the interest that people show in my life. Although a tumultuous one, it is far from what I would call interesting. This comes from some quote somewhere, but I don’t do things worthing writing and I don’t write things worth reading. When people come to realize this (as they should from knowing me for over a year), I expect them to lose interest. They don’t. I hope that one day I am able to figure out why they find me so captivating and then deliver something to fulfill their expectations.


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_____ I am not.

I sit here debating whether to write, what to write, and at times (as if I had lost all motor control), how to write. I yearn to write emphatic and visceral material, but also intellectual. Maybe that is where my problem lies. I want to produce something to prove my worth so much. Perhaps it isn’t about what ends up on this blog at all. In fact, I know it isn’t. But I am a slave to appearances. I have pages and pages of nothings jotted down, just waiting to be put into some life-changing masterpiece. But, that can only happen once I lose all pretense of being. I will not be Hemingway. I will not be Fitzgerald. I will not be anything like any of the greats that you hear so often about. Whether that is a good or bad thing remains to be seen. For now, I will write. I will drop facades. I will explore.

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I suppose this is my attempt to find some sort of artistic flair by which I, and those I care about, can be impressed. I realize the pointlessness of shouting, “I am significant!” into the vast highways of the internet, but I hope that one day, I might be an echo of some of the more impressive blogs you have stumble across. If you happened to find this in the early stages of its production, I’m sorry you are undoubtedly disappointed. At this point, I suppose this is more for myself than you. Perhaps that will change, but for now, I write for me.

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